I lied. Jay is not the most faithful, honest husband. In fact, he is the epitome of a bad boyfriend. He is the loser I reminded myself never to love, the bain of my existence, and the end to all things holy in the world.
Here I sit, with my three month old son, alone and scared. My fiance was the worst thing to cross my path since methamphetamine. I loathe his existence and desire nothing more than to break his neck, and yet nothing more than to hold onto him forever.
Four days ago my fiance and I got into an argument. A normal argument. An argument we had been having quite frequently. He just couldn't stop replying to everything I said in an angry way, a mean way. He looked at me as though he wished nothing more than for me to burst into flames.
I cried in the end, and before I knew it we were in a fallout. I spend three days trying to get him to talk to me, to say more than two words. He wouldn't. Eventually though, my pathetic love for him gave in and I succumbed to apologizing. I was nice and sweet, I apologized profusely, I did everything. Still he was a jerk.
At the end of our fight I begged him to stop me from leaving, but he wouldn't. So I left. Worse than that though, I came back. I came back to nothingness and a half-assed excuse for an apology.
Finally though, he looked me in the eye and said " I don't love you." Then kindly repeated it to me for an entire night. He cuddled with me that night, then told me the next day it meant nothing.
I wish I could put more detail but I'm still in so much shock. I just feel like we've said the same things over and over. I feel like I can't beg him anymore, I can't ask him, I can't yell at him, and I can't talk to him. We're over.
It sounds so sick to say it. Me and Jay, over. My best friend, my only love, my entire family. I trusted him with everything. He had always been so good to me, so true to me. I never felt more secure in anything than our love.
I just keep asking how. How could you fall out of love? How could you love me so much for so long and then just stop? Who does that? Who wakes up and just says, " I think I'll destroy my family and break the heart of the ONLY person in my life."
Then I told him he still loved me. I said he had to. I said who could just stop? You're lying, I know you're lying. He wasn't. He didn't have to tell me more than once. He already looked at me in those " My crazy ex girlfriend" eyes.
It was the first moment in my life that I envied women who'd been cheated on. I would rather him want to be with someone else than to just stop loving me. He doesn't even hate me. Why can't he hate me? Why can't he want to kill me he's so passionately in hate with me?
I want him to scream, to hit me, to freak out! I want him to feel, just feel anything. He's so empty. He's so heartless. He's so cold.
He loved me for two years! Two years! I had his son! He's not an assholey guy even. He's a lover, a sweetheart. He worshipped me! I've never been loved so much! How could that same person care so little?
I wish I could care so little. I wish I was him. He's so lucky. He has no pain, no baby, no responsibility. He just gets to walk away. It's me who has to tell his son that daddy wanted me gone and his only reason why was " I don't know." He doesn't know why he can't be your father, why he can't be my husband. Why after two years of obvious romantic love, he just crapped out on me.

It wasn't long before I heard a car pull up in the back yard(which was fenceless), the voices of Merrill and John breaking into the party. A reasonable person would have done pretty much anything except what I did. I ran out into the backyard and attempted to claw my way through the crowd to Merrill, then screamed drunken obscenities at anyone who held me back.

Merrill was clearly in love with Stacy, staring at her in a pleading way as he told her to leave Jay. His eyes spoke of the same hurt that I felt, his smile empty as empty as my heart. From that moment, I never could have hit him. I felt his pain, sensed his longing, and knew that the only whore in this house was unrequited love.

Stacy insisted that she was in love with my knight in shining heartbreak, persisting on until the end. I watched helplessly as they got off the bench, Merrill staring helplessly on the other side. What a sick game we were playing, me and Merrill. We had been together, they had been together, and the two of us were the only ones paying the price.

I left for a quick burger break, stuffing my face in a way only a lush can truly enjoy. I came back to the hippie den in better spirits then when I left, as I had gone in a topless car. Nothing could revive my spirit as well as the fresh night air on my face.

" Stacy's gone." My friend said as I walked in. Her face was knowing, and she quickly added, " Jay is in the other room."

I barely had time to walk in before he was upon me, " I love you." He said, " and I mean it. You don't have to say it back, but will you give me another chance?"

My head began rambling, immediately insisting upon saying no. How could you accept that lousy bastard? He's a liar, a cheat, a whore. Then I remembered Merrill. I remembered the way his eyes pleaded with hers, the way I wondered if mine had done the same to Jay's. Even if he broke my heart again, I knew I'd rather try than lose him forever.

Now we're obviously still together. He turned out to be the most faithful man I've ever dated, honest, and a good father. He told me later on that he had felt the same way about me. That he had watched me everyday with the same aching heart, thinking I had never loved him to begin with. What a sick irony, isn't it? Four people, four broken hearts.

Anyways, that is the story I wanted to tell two months ago. Perhaps I got a little carried away.

Chaos broke out within minutes. Jay had been deemed an outsider, unworthy of protection from a Pahrumpian, and it was time to start hiding pitch forks. He headed for the electric box, oblivious from anyone's wrath but mine, Stacy still clinging onto his hand like a Nicole Richie shaped bracelet.

" Stacy's coming with me tonight." Jay said. She shot me a look when he said it, saying everything she needed to say without even a blink. She had won. She had both my love and my boy toy, and she had taught my whorey self a lesson.

The hippie den dwellers nodded in agreement, but insisted they didn't have the room for anyone in the car. We were going to walk. I was going to walk half a mile with Jay and Stacy, then sleep mere feet from wherever they chose to cuddle. I was going to be drunk, that part I can assure you.

Merrill had been joined by several more people, including John. His three hundred pounds of fat were larger in width than Jay was tall. I can only assume now that he intended to knock him over and then suffocate him between the folds above his belly button. However, he was a very large man and there was obvious unfairness in the fact that Jay could not reach his face.

It was time to leave. Jay attempted to stand up to Yogi the Bear, but I was not so foolish. John would be able to punch Jay in the face with his knee, without actually having to expend any energy. I gathered a couple men, reminded Merrill that I was personally going to kill him, then escorted the happy couple to the hippie den.

The walk was not a particularly long one, probably because everytime I caught a glimpse of Jay and Stacy I managed to increase my speed to an almost inhuman one. My anger was growing into a monster, and I truly hated Jay. How dare he tell me he loved me. I had wanted it to be true, I had hoped so badly it was real. Now here I was, protecting him and the girl he wanted more than me. I screamed in silence, wondering why he couldn't just leave my heart alone.

"Hey!" the voices rang out in harmony, twenty people coming upon us as we arrived. I couldn't tell the difference between them, I just ran to the nearest person with booze in his hand. It was a tall, italian man holding a full bottle of liquor, which we happily split between us.