I lied. Jay is not the most faithful, honest husband. In fact, he is the epitome of a bad boyfriend. He is the loser I reminded myself never to love, the bain of my existence, and the end to all things holy in the world.
Here I sit, with my three month old son, alone and scared. My fiance was the worst thing to cross my path since methamphetamine. I loathe his existence and desire nothing more than to break his neck, and yet nothing more than to hold onto him forever.
Four days ago my fiance and I got into an argument. A normal argument. An argument we had been having quite frequently. He just couldn't stop replying to everything I said in an angry way, a mean way. He looked at me as though he wished nothing more than for me to burst into flames.
I cried in the end, and before I knew it we were in a fallout. I spend three days trying to get him to talk to me, to say more than two words. He wouldn't. Eventually though, my pathetic love for him gave in and I succumbed to apologizing. I was nice and sweet, I apologized profusely, I did everything. Still he was a jerk.
At the end of our fight I begged him to stop me from leaving, but he wouldn't. So I left. Worse than that though, I came back. I came back to nothingness and a half-assed excuse for an apology.
Finally though, he looked me in the eye and said " I don't love you." Then kindly repeated it to me for an entire night. He cuddled with me that night, then told me the next day it meant nothing.
I wish I could put more detail but I'm still in so much shock. I just feel like we've said the same things over and over. I feel like I can't beg him anymore, I can't ask him, I can't yell at him, and I can't talk to him. We're over.
It sounds so sick to say it. Me and Jay, over. My best friend, my only love, my entire family. I trusted him with everything. He had always been so good to me, so true to me. I never felt more secure in anything than our love.
I just keep asking how. How could you fall out of love? How could you love me so much for so long and then just stop? Who does that? Who wakes up and just says, " I think I'll destroy my family and break the heart of the ONLY person in my life."
Then I told him he still loved me. I said he had to. I said who could just stop? You're lying, I know you're lying. He wasn't. He didn't have to tell me more than once. He already looked at me in those " My crazy ex girlfriend" eyes.
It was the first moment in my life that I envied women who'd been cheated on. I would rather him want to be with someone else than to just stop loving me. He doesn't even hate me. Why can't he hate me? Why can't he want to kill me he's so passionately in hate with me?
I want him to scream, to hit me, to freak out! I want him to feel, just feel anything. He's so empty. He's so heartless. He's so cold.
He loved me for two years! Two years! I had his son! He's not an assholey guy even. He's a lover, a sweetheart. He worshipped me! I've never been loved so much! How could that same person care so little?
I wish I could care so little. I wish I was him. He's so lucky. He has no pain, no baby, no responsibility. He just gets to walk away. It's me who has to tell his son that daddy wanted me gone and his only reason why was " I don't know." He doesn't know why he can't be your father, why he can't be my husband. Why after two years of obvious romantic love, he just crapped out on me.