Saying I was shocked would be like saying Hugh Heffner liked women. It didn't really need to be said. I struggled for words, my heart and my brain still in a tragic battle for my mouth.

" What about Stacy?" I asked, filling time while I ran through the logistics in my head. He loved me, he actually loved me back. But what if he was lying? What if he wanted Stacy, and I was just his second choice? I wasn't going to be another one of his girlfriends that just filled the obvious void in his heart.

" I'm not in love with Stacy, I'm in love with you." he said. His face was pleading, but my heart froze as I said,
" I'm sorry, I can't. Go back to Stacy."

I followed him outside, where I saw Stacy and her friend lying on the concrete around the electric box. She didn't look at Jay, or even talk to him. My suspicions were confirmed. He obviously chose me as his second choice.

I spent the next three hours jogging back and forth from the Nugget to the electric box, as Jay insisted he could not leave until he talked to her(we were going to the hippie den).I was sure I would rather have eaten my own eyeballs then watch them make up, but I wanted him to be happy. With or without me.

When night had fallen and everyone in Pahrump had congregated at the Nugget, Jay disappeared into the desert with Stacy. I staggered back and forth between excitement and depression, hoping that he was telling her he loved me and feeling guilty for thinking it. I stood near the concrete where the desert began, waiting as if he was annoying me.

" Are Jay and Stacy up there?" it was Merrill's voice that said it. He was not alone, but rather flanked by two muscular teenage boys.

" Yeah, they are." I said.

" Good. We're gonna kick Jay's ass." He said, laughing as though I'd suddenly want to join in.

" No, you're not." I replied, pulling myself up and walking into him. I stood mere centimeters from him when I said, " you'll have to get through me first."

It worked. I must have had a secret bodyguard behind me, because threatening those boys was enough to keep them at bay. We all huddled near the entrance to the desert, doing a sort of step dance to see who would get to him first.

Half an hour later, the boys gave up on our aerobic threat dance and walked into the Nugget. I, meanwhile, called to Jay. I was fighting the urge to kick his ass myself as I saw him come down with Stacy, glancing at me in guilt and still holding her bony hand.

I did what any sane woman would do that night to escape the questions, I went home with my ex boyfriend, Eric. Oh, did I say any sane woman? I meant any ridiculusly stupid woman. He was tall, dark, and had an amazing body. Not to mention the fact that he had never gotten over how much he loved me and my ass.

It was an awkward night to say the least. I believe the only two words we said to eachother were along the lines of " Nice night." Then an uncomfortable nod followed and we both ran to seperate rooms. He was like an ogre in tennis shoes. If you didn't want to have sex with him, you better want to fight him. Those were the only two things he understood.

The next day we walked to the Nugget in what must have been the fiery pits of hell. The sun giggled madly at us as it melted the skin down our backs. I regretted wearing my enormous, chained man shorts and long sleeved shirt as I stared jealously at Eric's now naked back. Why can only men walk down the street shirtless?

When we arrived, exhausted and ready for death, the doorman didn't let him in. Apparently eric was the only man in the world not able to comprehend the "no shirt, no service" sign, as he didn't bring a shirt. Someone should have pointed at it and grunted, perhaps they'd stumble upon his language.

So I went in by myself, where Jay walked straight into me. He pulled me into the little nook by the bathroom, tears trying desperately not to fall down his face.

" I love you." He said.

When I showed up at the Nugget two days later(after spending the night with my ex boyfriend), I was approached immediately by none other than my attention needing boy toy. His face held an all too familiar expression as he said,

" We need to talk, alone." I suppressed a giggle as he said it. Surely he didn't think I actually cared if he dumped me.
" Well, the thing is..you and me...we just don't.." he began, stumbling through his words in an apologetic fashion.

" Stop." I said, " You're in love with Stacy, right?" I tried to tell my fast beating heart to quiet down, to put a stop to the tap dance it was doing in my rib cage. Stacy was an even bigger whore than I was, and the vengeful part of my soul took glee in this.

His face was nothing but relief, I had obviously pressed right upon the subject. We hugged, and he laughed in a brotherly way before saying, " Why are you so cool with this?I thought Jay was your friend."

As an enormous, insanely obvious smile crossed my face, I knew I had been caught. It was too late to turn around now, his shocked eyes were already plotting my destruction. Soon the whole town would know who I was in love with, and my pathetic tale of woe would be released.

I took him home with me that night. I had been staying in what could only be described as a hippie den for the last few days. The kids that originally lived there had been abandoned by their mother(much the same as myself)and had to sell drugs in order to make a living. The boy was large and extremely immature, but he had crush on me, as did several of the other people in the house.

He informed me on the walk home that my boyfriend was out with his girlfriend right now, which didn't surprise me. I had suspected for awhile now that they were more than "best friends", but I didn't say this to Jay. Even though I loved him, I knew it would be immoral for the words to come from me.

Instead, I settled on the idea that I was going to leave them alone. I was leaving as soon as I could, and I was ready to let Jay be happy. I had gone to my dad's house on one of the days I didn't document, and he told me I should let him go. I thought he was right.

When we got there(after insulting eachother all the way home), we went into in empty room where my friend had asked me to watch her baby. He started flirting with me, and attempting to fight me like we used to do. I couldn't believe it. Was he flirting because he still loved me or because he was mad at Stacy? My heart begged me not to say it, but my head told me it was Stacy.

When the night had waned and the morning was drawing close, the only awake people were sitting in David's room. Most of them had fallen asleep, but me and Jay sat on the little couch next to the bed.

" Don't leave me." I whispered to him, " If you do, David will ask me to sleep with him." I meant it, and he stayed with me as everyone fell asleep. I was terrified of David's crush on me. He was a huge guy and I was crashing in his house, how was I supposed to escape that?

Still, I loved Jay. I tried hard not to cry as he fell asleep sitting up, because I knew he didn't want to lay with me. He was afraid to do something that would make Stacy dump him, and I could plainly see that in his face. I fell asleep eventually, tears struggling down my face.

I escaped to the park that night, where they were showing a movie. It was a new thing that they did every saturday night, and I knew I would never see Jay at a G rated horse movie.

I didn't even know what the movie was about. I watched half of it and still couldn't tell you what it was about. When I sat down I was immediately taken in by how beautiful the sky was, with all the stars visible in a way only Pahrump could grant you. The grass was moist and green, and the movie was set in a place so beautiful I couldn't stop thinking about it. Idaho. My sister lived in Idaho, maybe I would go.

I spent the next hour thinking about Idaho. I imagined moving in with my big sister, taking showers everyday, eating my own food, maybe even going back to school. I played with the fantasy of falling in love, maybe being with someone who really wanted me. The little person in my conscience cried, but nodded in agreement. I would go to Idaho, and leave Jay here to be happy.

That night I called Chandra in desperation, begging her to come get me so I didn't have to see him anymore. She obliged as the good friend that she was, and we spent the night awake and talking. We laughed like idiots all night, and I told her all about Merrill as though I wanted nothing more than to be his girlfriend. She laughed at me, because she knew I was a liar.

The next day, I decided to try calling a guy that had offered me a job. He had seen me sitting outside the job agency, and had offered me a job as a maid. I took his card out of my pocket and called the number on it, Chandra begging me not to the whole time.

I didn't agree with Chandra, who said that this old man was looking for sex. Old men didn't have sex, they were just old perverts like my grandpa. How would he even get his penis up?And why wouldn't I be able to outrun him?

So I went, which proved to be an unwise decision. The old man was no spring chicken, but he wasn't a dead cow either. He had spent the day getting me drunk and explaining to me that he had hired me to be his girlfriend. My duties were simple, just spend time with him and have sex with him. In return, he promised to take care of me. The guy wanted to be my pimp.

I agreed, acted excited even at the prospect of being taken care of. I smiled and drank with him, hatching any escape plan I could think of. I wanted to run to Stoney's, run to Jay's, even run to my grandmother's. Instead though, I convinced him to take me to the Nugget to meet some friends for dinner. He never questioned me, and I never saw him again.

The first person I saw that day was Jay. He was wearing the shirt I had met him in, and I asked him if I could borrow it. I hated the mortal kombat shirt I was wearing because I thought the snake looked like a vagina, but worse, it had been touched by the old pimps hands.

The next day, Merrill's brother drove to me the Nugget in what I can only assume was once an actual car. Perhaps. Perhaps it was actually something he built from random pieces of metal in his garage. Either way, it got me to the Nugget alive and panic stricken.

Stacy was the first person I saw. I was starting to believe she lived outside the front doors of the Nugget, camping there at night and waiting for her next chance to torment me. I stared at her tiny physique in jealousy. I wasn't fat by any means, not even chubby. Still, I would never have the lean figure that she had. She made me feel like a butch standing next to her tiny self.

My hate flared up as she approached me, fighting against the side that tried to tame it. I tried to remind myself that I liked Stacy, but everything in my soul told me to disagree. I hated her ridiculusly black hair, her pajama pants that she wore everyday, I even hated the new necklace she wore around her neck. Wait a second, that was my necklace that she wore around her neck.

If someone had told me that Jay was the devil and his only mission was to destroy me, I would have believed them. I felt as though my anger would form into an entity, crawl out of my mouth, and strangle them both to death with my favorite necklace. I had had that necklace for years, jay had to beg me to let him borrow it, and then he gives it to his new girlfriend?

Stacy looked at me as though I was approaching in a panzer instead of a pair of etnies. However, I was not alone as I walked towards her. My friends were approaching at the same time, which seemed to remind me of my sanity. No one knew I loved Jay, surely the death of him and his girlfriend would look suspicious.

" That's my necklace." I said, choosing words instead of instant death. She put her hand over it defensively, as though waiting for me to take it off of her. " Jay gave it to me." she replied, and promptly ran away.

I tried to avoid Jay, but he was everywhere. He had invaded everything. He was in my heart, in my mind, in my town, and constantly in my line of vision. I wished he would leave, I was ready to move on. All I could see when I looked at him was a traitor. He was a cheater and a faker, he didn't love me at all.

whoohoo for the longness

He was sitting on the steps outside the Nugget, surrounded by a crowd of people who worshipped him. I don't why he even bothered with the theatrics, he might as well parade around naked with an orange cone on his head. It would be the only way he'd be satisfied with his attention level.

Next to him, was an enormously fat and pompous man. He was talking to my favorite security guard(I loved this guy)and making it blatantly obvious that he was a sexist.I don't remember what I said to him, but it was probably along the lines of " Shut the fuck up you twinkie chasing loser." which seemed to keep him quiet for about ten seconds.

Then, because my life is a really long joke to god, it turned out that he was Merrill's best friend and we would be hanging out with him tonight. Yay, I thought, now the only thing worse would be if Stacy was coming. Oh wait, did I mention Stacy was coming?And did I mention they were also best friends?

So I got inside the hell mobile, hoping fatty was a good driver. Merrill made me sit with Stacy in the backseat, which he had to physically force her to do. She seemed to think sitting next to me would turn her into a purple haired,tattooed, whore. I reassured her that it was not contagious, but I did have a seizure disorder that caused me to accidentally punch people in the face.

The twinkie killer(okay I'll stop, you get the idea)decided the only thing fun for us to do would be to drive into the middle of the desert and race around like we had a suicide pact. I had a car phobia. A year before I had gotten into a car with my ex boyfriend and ran out of it, saying that someone was going to die. Turns out my friend died in a car accident that night, which never left my head.So I freaked out a little. Or alot. Either way, John threatened to hit me and Merrill did not respond. What a knight in shining armor he was.

I wasn't afraid of John though, so we ended up spending the whole night talking about how much we hated eachother. I even bonded with Stacy a little, laughing because she hated him too. I was beginning to like her a little bit by the end of the night. She was childish, but cute.

When I crawled into Merrill's window that night, I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. On one hand, I was desperate for a distraction from Jay. Someone I could occupy my mind with, someone I could flaunt in front of him and publicly show that I clearly couldn't be in love with Jay. Yet at the same time, I was begging myself not to do it.

At Merrill's house, we were putting on a good show. We were sitting in his bed again, having a neverending conversation. I wished desperately that I truly cared when he started flirting with me. I touched him back, flirted back, and eventually kissed him back. I just didn't know who the person was that was doing it, when I was the one screaming for help in the background.

He tried to kill me. He sucked on my neck like it had personally insulted his mother. I thought I was going to bleed to death. Surely this man must be a vampire, sucking the soul right out of my veins. I cried out in pain, but that only seemed to make it worse.

He kept going, biting me, poking me, and attempting to have sex with my pants. He was a horrible lover. Worse than that though, every touch just made me wish it were Jay. I had come here searching for someone to make me forget him, but instead he was only reminding me of how much I missed him.

When he started to unzip his pants, I'd have enough. Vampire penis wasn't getting anywhere near me tonight, so I pulled some fake innocence out of my heart.

" We're moving too fast, I can't do this on the first night." I said, pushing him away in a playful virgin kind of way.

It seemed to keep him happy, because he spent the next hour telling me he had always wanted to touch me. How sweet, I thought, your biggest feelings for me pretty much arrived from your vampire penis. Still, I agreed to "go out" with him.

Eventually, they left. We had spent the night up until then hanging out in a large group, seperating into smaller ones, then uniting again as a whole. It was misery. I would get a few minutes relief from the stabbing pain that was a five foot bimbo, then be reunited with it repeatedly. Needless to say, their departure(though painful) was welcomed.

I was sitting outside when they left, smoking, and staring depressingly into a wall. I had just been about to start bashing my head into it when I heard a familiar voice start calling me. It was Ryan, my sister's ex boyfriend. He was over six feet tall, handsome, and seemed to think he owned every woman in the world.

He was charming, and our conversation made me antsy. I could tell he was attracted to me, I could tell that even when I had been fourteen. I looked at his gorgeous green eyes and knew that he would worship me if I went home with him. He wanted me badly, and I needed someone to want me.

So I ran away. I ran to the bowling alley, seeking solace from anyone I might find attractive. After all, how many hot people actually hang out in a bowling alley? Then, of course, I saw Merrill running towards me. His little attention needing body was jumping up and down, flinging around and hopping off of everything. He was like a puppy dog. A puppy dog with very nice abs.

" Do you need a place to go tonight?" Dammit.