Virtual human development game

www.human-age.com

check out this game so I can make some moolah.

Okay so it wasnt the big deal I thought it was. We got back together in a week and explained everything that had wrong in our relationship to eachother. :) So it turned out to be a blessing because we're really working on treating eachother better these days.

anyways, I wont be writing on this blog anymore. I dont want my blog linked to a bunch of middle classed, middle aged, We-should-petition-against-everyone-I-disagree-with, bitches.

I lied. Jay is not the most faithful, honest husband. In fact, he is the epitome of a bad boyfriend. He is the loser I reminded myself never to love, the bain of my existence, and the end to all things holy in the world.
Here I sit, with my three month old son, alone and scared. My fiance was the worst thing to cross my path since methamphetamine. I loathe his existence and desire nothing more than to break his neck, and yet nothing more than to hold onto him forever.
Four days ago my fiance and I got into an argument. A normal argument. An argument we had been having quite frequently. He just couldn't stop replying to everything I said in an angry way, a mean way. He looked at me as though he wished nothing more than for me to burst into flames.
I cried in the end, and before I knew it we were in a fallout. I spend three days trying to get him to talk to me, to say more than two words. He wouldn't. Eventually though, my pathetic love for him gave in and I succumbed to apologizing. I was nice and sweet, I apologized profusely, I did everything. Still he was a jerk.
At the end of our fight I begged him to stop me from leaving, but he wouldn't. So I left. Worse than that though, I came back. I came back to nothingness and a half-assed excuse for an apology.
Finally though, he looked me in the eye and said " I don't love you." Then kindly repeated it to me for an entire night. He cuddled with me that night, then told me the next day it meant nothing.
I wish I could put more detail but I'm still in so much shock. I just feel like we've said the same things over and over. I feel like I can't beg him anymore, I can't ask him, I can't yell at him, and I can't talk to him. We're over.
It sounds so sick to say it. Me and Jay, over. My best friend, my only love, my entire family. I trusted him with everything. He had always been so good to me, so true to me. I never felt more secure in anything than our love.
I just keep asking how. How could you fall out of love? How could you love me so much for so long and then just stop? Who does that? Who wakes up and just says, " I think I'll destroy my family and break the heart of the ONLY person in my life."
Then I told him he still loved me. I said he had to. I said who could just stop? You're lying, I know you're lying. He wasn't. He didn't have to tell me more than once. He already looked at me in those " My crazy ex girlfriend" eyes.
It was the first moment in my life that I envied women who'd been cheated on. I would rather him want to be with someone else than to just stop loving me. He doesn't even hate me. Why can't he hate me? Why can't he want to kill me he's so passionately in hate with me?
I want him to scream, to hit me, to freak out! I want him to feel, just feel anything. He's so empty. He's so heartless. He's so cold.
He loved me for two years! Two years! I had his son! He's not an assholey guy even. He's a lover, a sweetheart. He worshipped me! I've never been loved so much! How could that same person care so little?
I wish I could care so little. I wish I was him. He's so lucky. He has no pain, no baby, no responsibility. He just gets to walk away. It's me who has to tell his son that daddy wanted me gone and his only reason why was " I don't know." He doesn't know why he can't be your father, why he can't be my husband. Why after two years of obvious romantic love, he just crapped out on me.

It wasn't long before I heard a car pull up in the back yard(which was fenceless), the voices of Merrill and John breaking into the party. A reasonable person would have done pretty much anything except what I did. I ran out into the backyard and attempted to claw my way through the crowd to Merrill, then screamed drunken obscenities at anyone who held me back.

Merrill was clearly in love with Stacy, staring at her in a pleading way as he told her to leave Jay. His eyes spoke of the same hurt that I felt, his smile empty as empty as my heart. From that moment, I never could have hit him. I felt his pain, sensed his longing, and knew that the only whore in this house was unrequited love.

Stacy insisted that she was in love with my knight in shining heartbreak, persisting on until the end. I watched helplessly as they got off the bench, Merrill staring helplessly on the other side. What a sick game we were playing, me and Merrill. We had been together, they had been together, and the two of us were the only ones paying the price.

I left for a quick burger break, stuffing my face in a way only a lush can truly enjoy. I came back to the hippie den in better spirits then when I left, as I had gone in a topless car. Nothing could revive my spirit as well as the fresh night air on my face.

" Stacy's gone." My friend said as I walked in. Her face was knowing, and she quickly added, " Jay is in the other room."

I barely had time to walk in before he was upon me, " I love you." He said, " and I mean it. You don't have to say it back, but will you give me another chance?"

My head began rambling, immediately insisting upon saying no. How could you accept that lousy bastard? He's a liar, a cheat, a whore. Then I remembered Merrill. I remembered the way his eyes pleaded with hers, the way I wondered if mine had done the same to Jay's. Even if he broke my heart again, I knew I'd rather try than lose him forever.

Now we're obviously still together. He turned out to be the most faithful man I've ever dated, honest, and a good father. He told me later on that he had felt the same way about me. That he had watched me everyday with the same aching heart, thinking I had never loved him to begin with. What a sick irony, isn't it? Four people, four broken hearts.

Anyways, that is the story I wanted to tell two months ago. Perhaps I got a little carried away.

Chaos broke out within minutes. Jay had been deemed an outsider, unworthy of protection from a Pahrumpian, and it was time to start hiding pitch forks. He headed for the electric box, oblivious from anyone's wrath but mine, Stacy still clinging onto his hand like a Nicole Richie shaped bracelet.

" Stacy's coming with me tonight." Jay said. She shot me a look when he said it, saying everything she needed to say without even a blink. She had won. She had both my love and my boy toy, and she had taught my whorey self a lesson.

The hippie den dwellers nodded in agreement, but insisted they didn't have the room for anyone in the car. We were going to walk. I was going to walk half a mile with Jay and Stacy, then sleep mere feet from wherever they chose to cuddle. I was going to be drunk, that part I can assure you.

Merrill had been joined by several more people, including John. His three hundred pounds of fat were larger in width than Jay was tall. I can only assume now that he intended to knock him over and then suffocate him between the folds above his belly button. However, he was a very large man and there was obvious unfairness in the fact that Jay could not reach his face.

It was time to leave. Jay attempted to stand up to Yogi the Bear, but I was not so foolish. John would be able to punch Jay in the face with his knee, without actually having to expend any energy. I gathered a couple men, reminded Merrill that I was personally going to kill him, then escorted the happy couple to the hippie den.

The walk was not a particularly long one, probably because everytime I caught a glimpse of Jay and Stacy I managed to increase my speed to an almost inhuman one. My anger was growing into a monster, and I truly hated Jay. How dare he tell me he loved me. I had wanted it to be true, I had hoped so badly it was real. Now here I was, protecting him and the girl he wanted more than me. I screamed in silence, wondering why he couldn't just leave my heart alone.

"Hey!" the voices rang out in harmony, twenty people coming upon us as we arrived. I couldn't tell the difference between them, I just ran to the nearest person with booze in his hand. It was a tall, italian man holding a full bottle of liquor, which we happily split between us.

Saying I was shocked would be like saying Hugh Heffner liked women. It didn't really need to be said. I struggled for words, my heart and my brain still in a tragic battle for my mouth.

" What about Stacy?" I asked, filling time while I ran through the logistics in my head. He loved me, he actually loved me back. But what if he was lying? What if he wanted Stacy, and I was just his second choice? I wasn't going to be another one of his girlfriends that just filled the obvious void in his heart.

" I'm not in love with Stacy, I'm in love with you." he said. His face was pleading, but my heart froze as I said,
" I'm sorry, I can't. Go back to Stacy."

I followed him outside, where I saw Stacy and her friend lying on the concrete around the electric box. She didn't look at Jay, or even talk to him. My suspicions were confirmed. He obviously chose me as his second choice.

I spent the next three hours jogging back and forth from the Nugget to the electric box, as Jay insisted he could not leave until he talked to her(we were going to the hippie den).I was sure I would rather have eaten my own eyeballs then watch them make up, but I wanted him to be happy. With or without me.

When night had fallen and everyone in Pahrump had congregated at the Nugget, Jay disappeared into the desert with Stacy. I staggered back and forth between excitement and depression, hoping that he was telling her he loved me and feeling guilty for thinking it. I stood near the concrete where the desert began, waiting as if he was annoying me.

" Are Jay and Stacy up there?" it was Merrill's voice that said it. He was not alone, but rather flanked by two muscular teenage boys.

" Yeah, they are." I said.

" Good. We're gonna kick Jay's ass." He said, laughing as though I'd suddenly want to join in.

" No, you're not." I replied, pulling myself up and walking into him. I stood mere centimeters from him when I said, " you'll have to get through me first."

It worked. I must have had a secret bodyguard behind me, because threatening those boys was enough to keep them at bay. We all huddled near the entrance to the desert, doing a sort of step dance to see who would get to him first.

Half an hour later, the boys gave up on our aerobic threat dance and walked into the Nugget. I, meanwhile, called to Jay. I was fighting the urge to kick his ass myself as I saw him come down with Stacy, glancing at me in guilt and still holding her bony hand.

I did what any sane woman would do that night to escape the questions, I went home with my ex boyfriend, Eric. Oh, did I say any sane woman? I meant any ridiculusly stupid woman. He was tall, dark, and had an amazing body. Not to mention the fact that he had never gotten over how much he loved me and my ass.

It was an awkward night to say the least. I believe the only two words we said to eachother were along the lines of " Nice night." Then an uncomfortable nod followed and we both ran to seperate rooms. He was like an ogre in tennis shoes. If you didn't want to have sex with him, you better want to fight him. Those were the only two things he understood.

The next day we walked to the Nugget in what must have been the fiery pits of hell. The sun giggled madly at us as it melted the skin down our backs. I regretted wearing my enormous, chained man shorts and long sleeved shirt as I stared jealously at Eric's now naked back. Why can only men walk down the street shirtless?

When we arrived, exhausted and ready for death, the doorman didn't let him in. Apparently eric was the only man in the world not able to comprehend the "no shirt, no service" sign, as he didn't bring a shirt. Someone should have pointed at it and grunted, perhaps they'd stumble upon his language.

So I went in by myself, where Jay walked straight into me. He pulled me into the little nook by the bathroom, tears trying desperately not to fall down his face.

" I love you." He said.

When I showed up at the Nugget two days later(after spending the night with my ex boyfriend), I was approached immediately by none other than my attention needing boy toy. His face held an all too familiar expression as he said,

" We need to talk, alone." I suppressed a giggle as he said it. Surely he didn't think I actually cared if he dumped me.
" Well, the thing is..you and me...we just don't.." he began, stumbling through his words in an apologetic fashion.

" Stop." I said, " You're in love with Stacy, right?" I tried to tell my fast beating heart to quiet down, to put a stop to the tap dance it was doing in my rib cage. Stacy was an even bigger whore than I was, and the vengeful part of my soul took glee in this.

His face was nothing but relief, I had obviously pressed right upon the subject. We hugged, and he laughed in a brotherly way before saying, " Why are you so cool with this?I thought Jay was your friend."

As an enormous, insanely obvious smile crossed my face, I knew I had been caught. It was too late to turn around now, his shocked eyes were already plotting my destruction. Soon the whole town would know who I was in love with, and my pathetic tale of woe would be released.

I took him home with me that night. I had been staying in what could only be described as a hippie den for the last few days. The kids that originally lived there had been abandoned by their mother(much the same as myself)and had to sell drugs in order to make a living. The boy was large and extremely immature, but he had crush on me, as did several of the other people in the house.

He informed me on the walk home that my boyfriend was out with his girlfriend right now, which didn't surprise me. I had suspected for awhile now that they were more than "best friends", but I didn't say this to Jay. Even though I loved him, I knew it would be immoral for the words to come from me.

Instead, I settled on the idea that I was going to leave them alone. I was leaving as soon as I could, and I was ready to let Jay be happy. I had gone to my dad's house on one of the days I didn't document, and he told me I should let him go. I thought he was right.

When we got there(after insulting eachother all the way home), we went into in empty room where my friend had asked me to watch her baby. He started flirting with me, and attempting to fight me like we used to do. I couldn't believe it. Was he flirting because he still loved me or because he was mad at Stacy? My heart begged me not to say it, but my head told me it was Stacy.

When the night had waned and the morning was drawing close, the only awake people were sitting in David's room. Most of them had fallen asleep, but me and Jay sat on the little couch next to the bed.

" Don't leave me." I whispered to him, " If you do, David will ask me to sleep with him." I meant it, and he stayed with me as everyone fell asleep. I was terrified of David's crush on me. He was a huge guy and I was crashing in his house, how was I supposed to escape that?

Still, I loved Jay. I tried hard not to cry as he fell asleep sitting up, because I knew he didn't want to lay with me. He was afraid to do something that would make Stacy dump him, and I could plainly see that in his face. I fell asleep eventually, tears struggling down my face.

I escaped to the park that night, where they were showing a movie. It was a new thing that they did every saturday night, and I knew I would never see Jay at a G rated horse movie.

I didn't even know what the movie was about. I watched half of it and still couldn't tell you what it was about. When I sat down I was immediately taken in by how beautiful the sky was, with all the stars visible in a way only Pahrump could grant you. The grass was moist and green, and the movie was set in a place so beautiful I couldn't stop thinking about it. Idaho. My sister lived in Idaho, maybe I would go.

I spent the next hour thinking about Idaho. I imagined moving in with my big sister, taking showers everyday, eating my own food, maybe even going back to school. I played with the fantasy of falling in love, maybe being with someone who really wanted me. The little person in my conscience cried, but nodded in agreement. I would go to Idaho, and leave Jay here to be happy.

That night I called Chandra in desperation, begging her to come get me so I didn't have to see him anymore. She obliged as the good friend that she was, and we spent the night awake and talking. We laughed like idiots all night, and I told her all about Merrill as though I wanted nothing more than to be his girlfriend. She laughed at me, because she knew I was a liar.

The next day, I decided to try calling a guy that had offered me a job. He had seen me sitting outside the job agency, and had offered me a job as a maid. I took his card out of my pocket and called the number on it, Chandra begging me not to the whole time.

I didn't agree with Chandra, who said that this old man was looking for sex. Old men didn't have sex, they were just old perverts like my grandpa. How would he even get his penis up?And why wouldn't I be able to outrun him?

So I went, which proved to be an unwise decision. The old man was no spring chicken, but he wasn't a dead cow either. He had spent the day getting me drunk and explaining to me that he had hired me to be his girlfriend. My duties were simple, just spend time with him and have sex with him. In return, he promised to take care of me. The guy wanted to be my pimp.

I agreed, acted excited even at the prospect of being taken care of. I smiled and drank with him, hatching any escape plan I could think of. I wanted to run to Stoney's, run to Jay's, even run to my grandmother's. Instead though, I convinced him to take me to the Nugget to meet some friends for dinner. He never questioned me, and I never saw him again.

The first person I saw that day was Jay. He was wearing the shirt I had met him in, and I asked him if I could borrow it. I hated the mortal kombat shirt I was wearing because I thought the snake looked like a vagina, but worse, it had been touched by the old pimps hands.

The next day, Merrill's brother drove to me the Nugget in what I can only assume was once an actual car. Perhaps. Perhaps it was actually something he built from random pieces of metal in his garage. Either way, it got me to the Nugget alive and panic stricken.

Stacy was the first person I saw. I was starting to believe she lived outside the front doors of the Nugget, camping there at night and waiting for her next chance to torment me. I stared at her tiny physique in jealousy. I wasn't fat by any means, not even chubby. Still, I would never have the lean figure that she had. She made me feel like a butch standing next to her tiny self.

My hate flared up as she approached me, fighting against the side that tried to tame it. I tried to remind myself that I liked Stacy, but everything in my soul told me to disagree. I hated her ridiculusly black hair, her pajama pants that she wore everyday, I even hated the new necklace she wore around her neck. Wait a second, that was my necklace that she wore around her neck.

If someone had told me that Jay was the devil and his only mission was to destroy me, I would have believed them. I felt as though my anger would form into an entity, crawl out of my mouth, and strangle them both to death with my favorite necklace. I had had that necklace for years, jay had to beg me to let him borrow it, and then he gives it to his new girlfriend?

Stacy looked at me as though I was approaching in a panzer instead of a pair of etnies. However, I was not alone as I walked towards her. My friends were approaching at the same time, which seemed to remind me of my sanity. No one knew I loved Jay, surely the death of him and his girlfriend would look suspicious.

" That's my necklace." I said, choosing words instead of instant death. She put her hand over it defensively, as though waiting for me to take it off of her. " Jay gave it to me." she replied, and promptly ran away.

I tried to avoid Jay, but he was everywhere. He had invaded everything. He was in my heart, in my mind, in my town, and constantly in my line of vision. I wished he would leave, I was ready to move on. All I could see when I looked at him was a traitor. He was a cheater and a faker, he didn't love me at all.

whoohoo for the longness

He was sitting on the steps outside the Nugget, surrounded by a crowd of people who worshipped him. I don't why he even bothered with the theatrics, he might as well parade around naked with an orange cone on his head. It would be the only way he'd be satisfied with his attention level.

Next to him, was an enormously fat and pompous man. He was talking to my favorite security guard(I loved this guy)and making it blatantly obvious that he was a sexist.I don't remember what I said to him, but it was probably along the lines of " Shut the fuck up you twinkie chasing loser." which seemed to keep him quiet for about ten seconds.

Then, because my life is a really long joke to god, it turned out that he was Merrill's best friend and we would be hanging out with him tonight. Yay, I thought, now the only thing worse would be if Stacy was coming. Oh wait, did I mention Stacy was coming?And did I mention they were also best friends?

So I got inside the hell mobile, hoping fatty was a good driver. Merrill made me sit with Stacy in the backseat, which he had to physically force her to do. She seemed to think sitting next to me would turn her into a purple haired,tattooed, whore. I reassured her that it was not contagious, but I did have a seizure disorder that caused me to accidentally punch people in the face.

The twinkie killer(okay I'll stop, you get the idea)decided the only thing fun for us to do would be to drive into the middle of the desert and race around like we had a suicide pact. I had a car phobia. A year before I had gotten into a car with my ex boyfriend and ran out of it, saying that someone was going to die. Turns out my friend died in a car accident that night, which never left my head.So I freaked out a little. Or alot. Either way, John threatened to hit me and Merrill did not respond. What a knight in shining armor he was.

I wasn't afraid of John though, so we ended up spending the whole night talking about how much we hated eachother. I even bonded with Stacy a little, laughing because she hated him too. I was beginning to like her a little bit by the end of the night. She was childish, but cute.

When I crawled into Merrill's window that night, I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. On one hand, I was desperate for a distraction from Jay. Someone I could occupy my mind with, someone I could flaunt in front of him and publicly show that I clearly couldn't be in love with Jay. Yet at the same time, I was begging myself not to do it.

At Merrill's house, we were putting on a good show. We were sitting in his bed again, having a neverending conversation. I wished desperately that I truly cared when he started flirting with me. I touched him back, flirted back, and eventually kissed him back. I just didn't know who the person was that was doing it, when I was the one screaming for help in the background.

He tried to kill me. He sucked on my neck like it had personally insulted his mother. I thought I was going to bleed to death. Surely this man must be a vampire, sucking the soul right out of my veins. I cried out in pain, but that only seemed to make it worse.

He kept going, biting me, poking me, and attempting to have sex with my pants. He was a horrible lover. Worse than that though, every touch just made me wish it were Jay. I had come here searching for someone to make me forget him, but instead he was only reminding me of how much I missed him.

When he started to unzip his pants, I'd have enough. Vampire penis wasn't getting anywhere near me tonight, so I pulled some fake innocence out of my heart.

" We're moving too fast, I can't do this on the first night." I said, pushing him away in a playful virgin kind of way.

It seemed to keep him happy, because he spent the next hour telling me he had always wanted to touch me. How sweet, I thought, your biggest feelings for me pretty much arrived from your vampire penis. Still, I agreed to "go out" with him.

Eventually, they left. We had spent the night up until then hanging out in a large group, seperating into smaller ones, then uniting again as a whole. It was misery. I would get a few minutes relief from the stabbing pain that was a five foot bimbo, then be reunited with it repeatedly. Needless to say, their departure(though painful) was welcomed.

I was sitting outside when they left, smoking, and staring depressingly into a wall. I had just been about to start bashing my head into it when I heard a familiar voice start calling me. It was Ryan, my sister's ex boyfriend. He was over six feet tall, handsome, and seemed to think he owned every woman in the world.

He was charming, and our conversation made me antsy. I could tell he was attracted to me, I could tell that even when I had been fourteen. I looked at his gorgeous green eyes and knew that he would worship me if I went home with him. He wanted me badly, and I needed someone to want me.

So I ran away. I ran to the bowling alley, seeking solace from anyone I might find attractive. After all, how many hot people actually hang out in a bowling alley? Then, of course, I saw Merrill running towards me. His little attention needing body was jumping up and down, flinging around and hopping off of everything. He was like a puppy dog. A puppy dog with very nice abs.

" Do you need a place to go tonight?" Dammit.

I'm so depressing

I turned around when I saw them, trying to make a quick exit out the front doors, but it was too late. I had been spotted by my crowd of friends, and they were all coming towards me now. Traitors.

I hiked up my smile in what I hoped was a friendly way, but I assume under the medication of narcotics it probably looked more like a " I'm going to bury you in my yard" kind of smile. I looked away from Jay's face quickly, terrified that the pain was too much to hide.

Luckily for me, it turned out I was allergic to codeine. So what should have been a couple hours of relaxation was quickly turning into a few hours of hell. I was too busy trying not to die in the hallways of the Nugget to pretend anything with anyone, so I avoided Jay entirely.

Wouldn't it be just my luck to die here, I thought, alone and crying in the one place I was trying to escape? I wasn't strong enough to run to the bathroom, so I satisfied myself by sitting somewhat near it and pleading with it to come closer to me. My only stroke of luck was that Jay had managed to stay away from the hallways until now, and had no idea I was out there half conscious and crying about our failed relationship.

My luck would prove to fail me again, however. I watched in pure agony as a stream of people began to flow out of the bowling alley. I knew there was no way someone would see me there and not stop, perhaps someone would even call 911. That would be a fun night, wouldn't it? Jay could spend the night with his skinny girlfriend, and I could go have my stomach pumped. Man, was I sexy or what?

It was my good friend Renee that realized I was in misery first. Stacy was right behind her, her hands across my love, shielding him as though I was poisonous. I prayed silently that they would stay at the end of the hall, maybe if I stayed still enough they would think I was part of the decor. Just a gross, dizzy, vomitted on statue.

Renee, however, was not stupid. She asked me what was wrong, but she didn't have to. She looked at me, looked at Jay, then realized what was going on. She was the best friend I could have asked for right then when she said,

" We'll just say you're sick. Let's go get some food." Food. It was as if angels were singing, holding hamburgers to their lips, and dancing with french fries. Naturally, I went with her and the crowd of Benedicts.

She asked me what exactly was going on, so I told her. I have no idea why I told her, when half the time I couldn't even admit it to myself. Yet saying it out loud was so liberating, especially while throwing a hamburger down my throat like it had threatened me. I pulled myself together after that, remembering that I wasn't completely alone.

is this a trashy novel?

update on Zander: He's learned to lift his head up all the way, he can even hold it there for awhile! He's also beginning to turn into a redhead, which is a little startling. Neither of us have either his original blonde OR his new red color. He must just be an original like that. :)






The next day I ended up back at the Nugget with Chandra, sitting near the electric box.



The electric box was, if possible, an even worse existence than the Nugget. It was exactly what it sounded like, an electric box. It was positioned on a large slab of concrete, right between Burger King and the Nugget. The slab just happened to be the perfect place to sit if you were going to have a cigarette, and all smoking teenage Pahrumpians bowed to it.



I was already there before I noticed who was sitting there. Jay's new girlfriend, Stacy. She was five feet tall, had no breasts, and was the size of a Q-tip. Her hair was dyed a deep black and her blue eyes had enough eyeliner to make marilyn manson shudder. She was wearing her pajamas for some reason, and was crying as I approached.

" Val, don't hurt her." I heard someone say. I was baffled, until I realized she was muttering to herself through her tears. She was asking me not to hit her. She was shaking, rocking back and forth, and muttering about me. Me! As though I was Hulk Hogan and not a five foot two teenage girl.

I wanted to feel bad for her, wanted to laugh and tell her it was okay, but I couldn't. I had informed her a week ago that Jay was my boyfriend, thinking she was as clueless as I was. I was wrong. she had spent twenty minutes telling me that she had never even seen him, let alone dated him. She might as well have taken sharpie and written " I did it on purpose" across her chest.

I walked away instead, wanting to leave before Jay arrived and I had to see them together. This was the third time she had done this to me and I was beginning to think it was not coincidence. I spent the next few hours(Okay days.)imagining exactly what I would do to her, until I had perfected it to a step by step routine. Then I would feel guilty, remind myself that Jay was the pig, and pretend once again that I had a crush on Merrill.

It was two days later before I actually saw them together. I had left my friend Stoney's house that morning, taken a pill he gave me, then started walking for the Nugget. I was already at another casino, Mt. View, that's close to town when I realized I had bled through my denim shorts. It was extremely visible and I had nothing to cover it with, which made me feel like a panicking seventh grader.

I looked around me desperately, perhaps believing a pair of pants would magically float from the heavens. Bushes? No, that wouldn't work. Perhaps a nice rock would cover it up? Perhaps not. Then a brilliant thought dawned on me. Jay had borrowed a pair of my pants and his house was right across the street. In fact, he was the absolute only person nearby. I could go, get my pants, and have a perfectly good excuse to talk to him. It was a fantastic idea.

I was beginning to get excited as I walked to his house, humming through the wonderful effects of my happy pill. I wondered if skipping my way to the door would be appropriate. Perhaps a little dance or two on the way there. I tried to snap out of it as the door opened, reminding myself it was the pill doing the happy dance.

Jay wasn't there. Typically. It was just evelyn, billy's mom. My happy pill was still buzzing though, so the voice in my head continued to sing through my disappointment. She invited me in, since she was all by herself, then headed to the room to find my pants.

We sat for a while, talking, and secretly hoping Jay would walk in. I must have been sitting there for too long, because my happy pill was quickly turning into a sad one. I vomitted in her house, completely in the toilet but through shouts of "Please don't throw up in my bathroom". Then I became to fall asleep in the middle of our conversation. We both sensed it would be bad if anyone came home to me asleep on the couch, vomitting uncontrollably.

So she dropped me off at the Nugget, where I walked in and saw it. They were walking together, his arm over her. He was quiet, surrounded by my very own friends, looking like he belonged next to her. I vomitted, then waved goodbye to the heart I had since recollected.

wow this is long

I ended up having a pretty good time. When we got there, he made me stay in his room. We crawled through the window, which was something I had never before done in my life. I felt like I was in a teen movie, all I was missing was a good boob scene and a nerdy tag a long.

He was a flirt, but he was notorious for that, so it didn't stop me from spending the night on his bed. We sat for hours and talked, it was as if we'd never run out of things to say. I don't believe I had ever met someone that was so much like ME before. Then, perhaps because god preferred me as a stalker, Jay called.

I told myself I was enjoying being with Merrill, but I couldn't lie to the heart that was now skipping beats. I held the phone to my ear as though it would explode, barely believing he was really on the other line.

" Do you know where to get any pot?" Pot. The love of my life, the knight of my castle, the romeo to my juliette. He just wanted to find some drugs. I acted, of course, as though he were just another loser.

" No. Sorry." I replied. It was a lie, but I despised pot. If I had actually given weed to every single person that expected me to know where it was, I would be a drug lord. Perhaps I was acidentally wearing my " I love weed" sticker again, but people just assumed I was a pothead.

" Oh. Yeah, I figured you did. Um, am I going to see you tomorrow?" Yes! My conscience danced in circles, it raised it's fists, it flew an american flag and sang hallelujah, "Maybe. I gotta go." My voice said in spite.

" Well, I'll be there. Probably all day." I heard his voice say the words before I hung up on him, but all I was hearing was my own heart, dancing happily back into my chest.

and on it continues

Jay was not shocked when I punched him in the face. If anything, he looked as though he had expected nothing else. He didn't even leave, he just stayed where he was in awkward silence. A very long, awkward silence.

My mind spewed out at least a million different sentences. I hate you. I love you. I wish you would die. Do you love me? Do you miss me? Why are you such an asshole? These sentences tried as hard as they could to escape out of my mouth, but still I said nothing. I just stared at him.

Chandra noticed that Jay had a friend with him, one who obviously had no idea what was going on. I hadn't even noticed him there, blabbing away about something or other. All I had noticed was the intense pain that kept burning inside. When Chandra asked the guy to take a walk with her, I realized I was now going to have to say something.

" Hi." I said, and immediately hated myself. Hi? I couldn't have said something, anything, other than hi?What kind of lunatic punches someone and then says hi?

Luckily, he played along. " Hi." he said back, " I'm sorry that -" I stopped him, shrugging and adding, " I'm over it."

The voice in the back of my head screamed at me, threw it's hands in the air, then fell desperately to it's knees in agony as I said, " I really just don't care anymore. We weren't serious anyways."

He believed me. He knew I was cold hearted, that I didn't love anyone. It was easy to believe I didn't love him either. I wanted to stab myself in the heart. Why would I say that to him? Why couldn't I just say the truth? I love you! my head screamed as we walked down the halls, talking as though we were still friends.

We ran into another friend of mine, Merrill, after Chandra left. He was moderately good looking, with great abs and a ridiculus need for attention. He flirted with me constantly, ever since the seventh grade when I was the first girl to sprout breasts. I never knew him well, but he was alot of fun to be around.

I told him I was homeless, careful to avoid Jay's eye as I said it. I didn't want him to know I had done it for him. Merrill acted immediately, probably hoping I would sleep with him. He offered to let me sleep at his house, but we had to go right then.

I looked desperately at Jay, hoping he would tell me not to leave. Merrill, however, said something incredibly painful before I could say a word.

" Hey, where's your girlfriend at?" He asked Jay, finally noticing his presence. Jay looked as though Merrill had punched him in the face. He glanced at me before saying he didn't know, apparently thinking I would suddenly show emotion, something I had never done in my life. I just smiled at him, letting him believe I was happy to go home with Merrill.

When I left, Jay hugged me. He hugged me like he was never going to let go. For a moment, I actually questioned whether he was going to. So I patted him on the back like a bitch, kissed him on the cheek and said " You can let go anytime, you know." The voice in my head committed suicide.

So I went home with Merrill.

continued story

Before I begin, I want to say that I have no idea where this blog is going. I'm really enjoying writing my stories though, even if they're not terrific. So bear with me for a while, because I don't know what's coming after this story. Also, it is completely and embarassingly true.



So, I moved back to Pahrump. I didn't actually move in the general sense of the word, since I didn't actually have a home to move to. I just decided it would be a good idea to live on the streets. I can't see at this point how I thought that would win Jay back.



When I arrived, I headed for the only place any teenager ever hangs out in Pahrump. The nugget. I'd like to say that we went there because it was fun, perhaps even because someone made us go. Unfortunately, no. It was a bowling alley and casino that everyone went to, just because. We would all just sit at a table inside the Nugget and talk about how much we hated the Nugget. Then, we would go sit outside of the Nugget. That way we could sit in a circle, smoke, and talk about how much we hated the Nugget. It was truly a barrel of fun.

I ran into quite a few people that I knew, but in Pahrump, you could pretty much do that just by going to the mailbox. What I was surprised about was not the abundance of people, but the amount of people that had no idea I had ever left. I once broke up with someone over the phone and had someone call me on the other line to ask me why. Knowing gossip was the mark of a Pahrumpian. If something happened in Pahrump and you didn't know about it, then you should probably assume no one knows you exist.

All day I waited around at the Nugget, thinking Jay would show up any minute. I hadn't planned what I was going to say to him, or even if I would say anything at all. Obviously though, my logic button had broken days ago and rational thoughts were leaking out of my head before I could process them. I just knew I had to see him.

Chandra, my best friend, came down to see me. The moment she walked through the doors, she wheeled me around and walked back out of them. We were going to find Jay. Yes, I truly decided that becoming an insane stalker was the direction I was going to take my life. The fact that I wasn't being bombarded into a closet and drenched in holy water at this point amazes me.

We had no idea where his house was, yet we found it. By some combination of sheer luck and little bit too much crazy, we found it. Naturally, he wasn't there. Billy's mom, who was actually a previous co worker of mine, announced that he had left for the Nugget. Then she told me that Jay had brought some skinny whore home a week ago, in those exact words. I knew she was battling herself on the inside, because she liked me as a co worker but had always been terrified I would end up with her son. I didn't blame her honestly, but wondered if she felt the same way about Jay.

We turned around and head back to the Nugget, Chandra freaking out because her parents would be there soon to pick her up. Her parents were very, very christian people. Not the nice, lovable kind of christian but the kind that would probably stone you to death if it was still legal. They had a love-hate kind of relationship with me. They loved me for who I was, but hated me because it was easier to blame me than Chandra for her actions. Still, they probably already had the stones ready in case she was late.

We stopped at a different casino(don't you love Nevada?)to go to the restroom and ran into a lovely group of people that might well have been escaped convicts. They were two, kindly looking older women so we assumed that they would be friendly and got in the car when they offered us a ride. Then their two giant, black boyfriends joined us.

The conversation was frightening and included many, many references to someplace they kept calling the "bat cave". Someplace they wanted to take us to. Someplace I never, ever want to go. It was probably the longest car ride of my life, but pretending to be hardcore lesbians seemed to help us in the end. I knew our manly ways would pay off one day.

Anyways, I saw Jay the second I walked in the door. He was dressed like an idiot, with his hair cut like an idiot. He looked like my worst idea of a man. Yet I wanted to touch him so badly. Or hit him, maybe. Yes, that was definitely it. I could feel my emotions boiling up, turning quickly into nothing but pure hatred. I just wanted to hit him, to hit him repeatedly until he felt the same pain that I did.

So I did.

Once again, this has run on too long. More on this story later.

Jay

yesterday was Jay's birthday. I felt so guilty that I couldn't do anything for him, I couldn't even have sex with him. It's wierd though, he is now twenty. It made me start to think about how things have changed since we met.

When I met Jay, he was living with two other guys in a filthy apartment. Filthy doesn't even cover it honestly. The place looked like the bugs had lived there first and the boys were the ones invading.

He smoked pot all day and his only job experience was male stripping. He was living in Neverland. He had enough women stalking him that I felt sure he knew all the "moves". I had no idea why I loved him so much, especially being the opposite of husband material. I did though, I loved him instantly. I just didn't know it.

I, on the other hand, was a ravenous bitch who had never loved a single "boyfriend" in my life. I didn't date men, I ate them. I drank all day, drank all night, then vomitted and went to work in the morning. I always worked. I never knew what it was like to NOT have a job. If I had been forced to depend on someone else, I would have died from the agony. It was like my slutty, irresponsible side was in a battle to the death with my workaholic side.

I moved into the swamp that was Jay's apartment when I turned seventeen. They were hot guys, all of them. So naturally, I accepted the invitation with a shudder and then moved right in. I never said I was a particularly smart girl.

I won't tell you about my time at the apartment just now, because I've already rewritten it five times and I still can't make it sound right. So let's just sum it up.

I thought Jay was my best friend. My best friend had a crush on him. Jay was in love with me. I had a crush on his best friend. I was attracted to Jay. I decided on a whim to have sex with Jay. Jay thought we were dating. I cried and got drunk. Decided not to break his heart and continued to have sex with Jay. Was happier than I've ever been. Jay left for Pahrump.

He left with his roommate Billy for Pahrump, but only Billy came back. I'll never forget the moment Billy walked in alone. It was as though my heart had fallen out of my mouth and skipped it's way out the door. I could literally feel the pain. Probably because I was getting a tattoo that very moment, but the sentiment was still there.

He told me on the phone that he would be back on Monday. Then he told me Wednesday. Then he stopped calling. I got a call from a previous boy toy telling me that Jay had been seen with another girl, but no one had to tell me. I felt it in his voice as he broke my heart the third time.

I invited my best friend over and together we drank enough vodka to light a forest on fire. We tattooed ourselves with lots of beautiful squiggly drawings that we get to live with forever, then flirted with Billy and cried about how all men were evil. He eventually told Jay he was a loser and never to come back. It was not as satisfying as I had imagined.

I lost my job. I came to work completely hammered, wearing jeans, then walked around the back in circles singing and laughing hysterically. They thought I had actually lost my mind. I'm not really confident enough to say that I didn't.

Unfortunately, I had gotten this job out of necessity. It was the only way we were going to pay for our apartment, since my roommates all lost their jobs the same month. I was in hell. I had to keep drinking, or I would have slit my wrists and jumped off the rooftop.

I was in love with Jay. It took a bottle of vodka a day before that haunting fact hit me. But when it did, it hit me like a vengeful ex girlfriend. I had to do it. I had to do the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. I moved back to Pahrump.

the first week

Zander is two weeks old today. We have had him home for a week and one day. It hasn't been completely easy, mostly because I don't even remember what sleep was like anymore. It's just a vague, meaningless memory now.

From the second he was born, Zander was the most mellow baby one could imagine. An entire train could pass right next to his head and the boy wouldn't even look around at it. He just slept all day long, he wouldn't even wake up to eat if we didn't make him.

Unfortunately though, this created a big problem. Our baby didn't cry for food, which meant he was not going to wake us up when he was hungry. So, because we are self loathing people, we decided to sleep in six hour shifts. Which in baby world, is really a three hour shift with waking moments and grunts of " I'm trying to sleep you asshole!" in between.

It was worth it though for those moments when he was peaceful. I loved it when he started to be more alert, waking for longer periods and cuddling with his mommy. His little head was blonde, but I secretly believed he looked just like me. Everyone I knew said he looked like Jay, but my denial was deep enough to cover those opinions happily.

I wasn't able to breastfeed. My breasts had grown the size of large melons for no reason whatsoever when he was in NICU, then shrunk back down to a size I was sure couldn't be mine. Didn't I have large breasts, I kept thinking to myself, or was I simply delusional? I believe now that pregnancy had altered my image of what my body used to look like. I was confusing my real body with carmen electra's. Damn.

Anyways, the milk production ran out. I was still making it, but it was more of a snack than a feast at this point. I was disappointed, as I had always said I would breastfeed Zander. He didn't seem to mind though and he rather enjoyed his formula. He was still a bit of a boob man though, as we realized when he tried to suck on daddy's nipples.

My body was going back to normal now, though it still wasn't what I had in mind. My old stomach was gone, replaced with one of equal size. The only difference was that this belly was made of fat, whereas my previous belly had been made almost entirely of muscle. The stretch marks went up to my belly button, all of them angled in a direction that made it appear as though I had been raped by wolverine.

Everytime I looked at them though, I just laughed. They were horrible, yes, but they were there because of my Zander. Who hopefully would make me very rich one day when he becomes president of the united states. Right, kid?

NICU

I wish I could tell you details about Zander's stay in NICU. I really wish I could. I can't though, as I can't remember a thing. I don't know how much I honestly slept for that week, but I was living my entire life for those half hour feedings we gave him.

After he was born, the nurses informed me that his bilirubin levels were far above the 95% percentile. He was already on his way to brain damage and he was only 12 hours old. They told me that my blood type was attacking his. Naturally, I panicked. I didn't understand what that meant, I only understood that he was sick and they were taking him away from me.

I spent alot of time crying at first, feeling as though this were somehow my fault. It was my blood doing it to him, I thought. Maybe it wasn't even the blood. Maybe it was karma for enjoying my delivery so much. Maybe it was karma for getting the epidural. For not breastfeeding right away. I found every single reason to blame myself that I could.

We went to visit him constantly, wearing ourselves out past the point of exhaustion. Our insurance didn't cover more than two days in the hospital, so we ended up driving around town in between feedings. It was the only way we could stay close to the hospital.

I don't like to think of the bad parts though, I like to remember the feeling I had when I finally carried him out of the hospital. I like to remember what it was like to know that I would be able to hold him whenever I felt like it. Best of all, I like to remember saying to curious onlookers, " This is my son."

zander james is born

"I can't sleep through this." I said, disgruntingly. It was four in the morning, the day before my scheduled induction. I had been having what I suspected to be gas pains for the last few hours and I was beginning to get agitated. If this keeps up, I thought, I'll mess up my whole sleep schedule and go into my induction as exhausted as I was now. I didn't want the epidural, so I knew I needed my energy. I shuddered for a second as I imagined that long needle, dripping with blood in the hands of a crazed doctor.

" Maybe you should start counting." my fiance said, careful to avoid the dreaded "L" word. We had both spent the last week waiting for the labor my doctor had announced "would happen anytime now". I was ten seconds away from drinking castor oil, or worse, having sex. My doctor had kindly allowed me a due date induction though, probably so he could get me out of the way and go on vacation.

I shrugged at Jay, my fiance, then decided he was right. I stood up and threw on a shirt, then starting counting and walking around. I was sure, even on the fourth contraction, that this couldn't be it. Still, they fit the bill. They were about five minutes apart and by the tenth one in a row, I decided we should go to the hospital.

Jay had already been running back and forth from our room to his mother's(we lived with his parents), smoking cigarettes in their nicotine cave and then running back to see if I was still in labor. When I told him we were going, he ran back and asked her to drive us. We loaded up the bags and got in the car, but I was still wondering when the contractions were going to stop and make a fool of me.

When we got to the hospital, I started to believe it was the real deal. Obviously, though, the nurse disagreed with me. She came in with a look that suggested we had ran over her favorite dog, hissing at me and my mother in law, " I suppose you smoke too?"

I shook my head, not sure what she could be talking about. Too? Who was this other secret smoker? She then hooked me up to the bed monitors, telling me in no uncertain terms that I could not possibly be in labor. She asked me to rate the contractions on a 1 to 10 scale, then laughed at me for thinking they were even above a 1. After all, she said, it doesn't really mean anything to have contractions every five minutes. It only matters how fast you dialate. I wondered vaguely whether she had ever read a single pregnancy book.

Anyways, she checked my cervix rather than pay any attention to my silly contractions. I shuddered that her stubby fingers had actually entered my vagina. To add to my joy, my mother in law did not apparently find it wierd to stay in the room during this action. That way she got a look at her son's playground long before I was in my lack of modesty stage. This won't make dinner awkward at all.

She noted no change from the dialation I had had on monday(it was wednesday now)though she did say that my cervix was now anterior, which it was not on monday. She left the room and said that if I didn't dilate in an hour, I would be going home.

The contractions got stronger over that hour and laying flat down in the bed made them feel like they were much more powerful. If this is what labor is like, I thought, I don't want anything to do with it. The nurse giggled at me when she came back in, because I was obviously a hypochondriac. I hadn't had any cervix change in that hour. She told me that I was not in labor, and not to come back until tomorrow morning for my scheduled induction. Then I assume she went to slaughter a baby kitten.

We went home in very bad spirits and called my whole family to tell them we would now be spending the day at home, wondering how far I was. I was so terrified that I would not know when to go now, and end up delivering a baby on the bathroom floor.

The majority of the day was spent in our room, pretending to watch tv through my contractions. Some of them were really easy to get through, some of them made me think I was going to die. Jay didn't even realize I was in so much pain though, I couldn't make a noise through them if I tried.


I learned to cope after a few hours. I would stand through the contractions as laying down caused the most pain, then I would rock back and forth through them until they faded. I was coping very well on my own and didn't particularly want anyone else to touch me. It felt like if I let go of my rituals, then I would fail.

I called the nurse's station several times, asking if I should come in yet. I assume I must have been very annoying, but I was lucky enough to at least get several different nurses. They didn't believe I was in labor, however, so I gave up. The last nurse actually told me " You sound way too happy to be in labor." I was thrilled to know that my hospital of choice had a staff that had been educated by a ten minute video of what labor should look like.

By the time night fell I stopped feeling them. I was so prepared for the pain and so prepared for the peaks, that I barely twitched when one came on. After twenty four hours, they were pretty much just part of my life. I wanted sleep though, I felt as though I was hitting a mental breakdown. I started daydreaming about that crazed epidural man, suddenly thinking of how beautiful that blood soaked needle really was. Just imagine, I thought, a nap. A real nap. I started to salivate at the thought, barely even realizing my feet were leading me right to jay's mom.

" let's go back to the hospital." I said, the words falling out of my mouth like vomit. I was dealing with the contractions like a pro now, thankfully, so the car ride was less horrible than my nightmares had told me it would be.

No one seemed to notice I was even in pain, which was slightly annoying. I pretended to give a rat's ass about the stories jay's mom was telling and silently prayed that I was at least four centimeters. I started thinking that if I said it to myself enough times, it would be true. I had to have that epidural.

When we got to the hospital, the nurses looked at me with a wary eye. None of them believed I was in labor. They strapped me up to the monitors anyways, then brought a much friendlier nurse to check my cervix. She checked and looked up with wide eyes.

" You're six centimeters." she said, staring at me as though I would suddenly start to writhe in pain. I had never heard more relieving words in my life and I immediately asked for an epidural. She nodded her head knowingly, then left to find the epidural man.

I invited my mother, stepmother, and stepsister as no one else was willing to climb out of bed and come. I suppose I should have expected it. My family didn't even celebrate christmas, let alone the birth of my baby.

They were entertaining to begin with. I was happy to have people there I could talk to, especially as they were all getting along. It was like we had a chick party at the hospital. I wasn't noticing my contractions AT ALL at this point. I didn't even realize I was still having them. I was so happy to be getting the epidural that I felt as though I'd already had it.

The nurses came in and out a bit, still staring at me as though I would sprout wings and fly away. " You're having a contraction." the nurse said, practically asking me to show some emotion about it.
" I know." I said, trying not to sound like I was proud. I didn't want the nurses to think I was egotistical, so I explained to her that I dealt with pain differently than most people. The pain hadn't stopped, it was just being ignored by my brain.

They brought the IV needles in before I could get the epidural. She warned me that it would hurt beforehand, so I was feeling very apprehensive about it already. I had spent weeks dreading the IV. I asked her what it would feel like, how long it would take, and any other question I could come up with. I felt as though I was interviewing the nurse for a job position.

When she finally inserted the needle, I was in more pain than the contractions. I tried not to react as she pushed it in for what must have been the whole life span of a bee, then told me we would need to redo it.

The third try was the one that worked, so I was seconds away from tears by the time they had it hooked up. I laughed to the nurse about how I was secretly a big baby. Now it was time to change my fears though, so I began to ask for the epidural man. She had warned me that my contractions would grow stronger when they broke my water, and I wasn't entirely sure I could handle that. I was getting fearful as the time ticked by, what if my water broke on it's own?

The man came in when I was at eight centimeters, just barely making it in time. I sat up and grabbed onto the nurses arms, holding my shoulders down and concentrating solely on the freckle on my wrist. I just knew he was going to mess up and kill me somehow.

I only felt a slight poke and then a wierd electric shock down my left leg. I waited for the pain for a couple minute after he was already done, seeing the scared look on my fiance's face made me sure it was coming. It didn't though, so I supposed the needle must have been just as terrifying as I thought. Perhaps the epidural man did laugh hysterically as he squirted blood out the tip of his foot long needle. Nothing else could justify the look on my fiance's face, it was one of pure horror.

It only worked on one side. At this point, they were just about to break my water. I panicked and started asking repeatedly for the epidural man to come back. Feeling it on one side was worse than feeling the whole thing. I couldn't control my emotions when it was just one side, my ritual was ruined.

He came back thankfully, made another mistake, then gave me my third epidural. One baby, three epidurals. At least I get to say when he gets older " I was in such horrible labor with you that I needed three epidurals, and you won't eat your broccoli for me?" Or perhaps I will just beat him.

I was shaking uncontrollably at this point and lost the ability to pay attention to my mob of women. They hadn't noticed me in hours anyways. They only liked me I told jokes. If I was actually in pain, their attention drifted elsewhere. My fiance hadn't left my side though and he was the best supporter I could have asked for. He was worried when he was supposed to be, noticed my every contraction, then just held my hand when nothing was happening.

We started a pitocin drip after that, which made me feel guilty. I had slowed down my labor with that epidural, I thought, I was going to end up with a c section as punishment. Then I began to wonder if perhaps my intense fear of actually birthing a human being was the reason he stayed in. Perhaps he was doing mommy a favor.

Luck wasn't on my side though, I ended up at ten centimeters twenty minutes later. The nurse asked me if I felt the urge to push, but I didn't. I never did. I had spent the last four hours terrified of that urge to push. My sister had had an epidural and still she began to scream as though the baby was actually using a machete to come into this world. So naturally, I assumed it would be excruciating. Instead it was a mild feeling as though I had eaten a bad bologna sandwich.

I noticed that all of the women were not exiting as they should when my legs were up in stir ups. I couldn't move them, so jay put them in the stir ups for me. Terrific, I thought, this should be easy.

Everyone I know it seems decided now was the time for action. I got three phone calls while my vagina waved hello to the outside world, and it seemed as though my woman mob was going to be having a private conversation. They continued to chatter as my mother came to hold my hand. I pushed it away in the friendliest way I could as I hung up the cell phone and asked everyone to get out before I ate them.

The practice pushes made me feel useless. The baby was moving down I knew, but I had imagined a more painful situation. I felt like I wasn't doing anything at all. They made me stop and informed me that my doctor was on his way.

Wait a minute, I thought, there's that urge. I have to push. I have to push. I have to push. The thought echoed over and over again in my head as I began to moan anything I could get my mouth to say. I could feel him sliding down the birth canal. I could feel his head beginning to crown. It was crowning. The doctor walked in and took the longest time any human being has ever taken to put gloves on as I screamed, " He's coming on his own!"

The doctor told me to push, told me to stop within seconds, then pulled the baby out of me. His cries echoed out like magic, making me burst into pathetic tears immediately. They put his disgusting body on my chest and all I could think was " God that's a fat baby."