Jay

yesterday was Jay's birthday. I felt so guilty that I couldn't do anything for him, I couldn't even have sex with him. It's wierd though, he is now twenty. It made me start to think about how things have changed since we met.

When I met Jay, he was living with two other guys in a filthy apartment. Filthy doesn't even cover it honestly. The place looked like the bugs had lived there first and the boys were the ones invading.

He smoked pot all day and his only job experience was male stripping. He was living in Neverland. He had enough women stalking him that I felt sure he knew all the "moves". I had no idea why I loved him so much, especially being the opposite of husband material. I did though, I loved him instantly. I just didn't know it.

I, on the other hand, was a ravenous bitch who had never loved a single "boyfriend" in my life. I didn't date men, I ate them. I drank all day, drank all night, then vomitted and went to work in the morning. I always worked. I never knew what it was like to NOT have a job. If I had been forced to depend on someone else, I would have died from the agony. It was like my slutty, irresponsible side was in a battle to the death with my workaholic side.

I moved into the swamp that was Jay's apartment when I turned seventeen. They were hot guys, all of them. So naturally, I accepted the invitation with a shudder and then moved right in. I never said I was a particularly smart girl.

I won't tell you about my time at the apartment just now, because I've already rewritten it five times and I still can't make it sound right. So let's just sum it up.

I thought Jay was my best friend. My best friend had a crush on him. Jay was in love with me. I had a crush on his best friend. I was attracted to Jay. I decided on a whim to have sex with Jay. Jay thought we were dating. I cried and got drunk. Decided not to break his heart and continued to have sex with Jay. Was happier than I've ever been. Jay left for Pahrump.

He left with his roommate Billy for Pahrump, but only Billy came back. I'll never forget the moment Billy walked in alone. It was as though my heart had fallen out of my mouth and skipped it's way out the door. I could literally feel the pain. Probably because I was getting a tattoo that very moment, but the sentiment was still there.

He told me on the phone that he would be back on Monday. Then he told me Wednesday. Then he stopped calling. I got a call from a previous boy toy telling me that Jay had been seen with another girl, but no one had to tell me. I felt it in his voice as he broke my heart the third time.

I invited my best friend over and together we drank enough vodka to light a forest on fire. We tattooed ourselves with lots of beautiful squiggly drawings that we get to live with forever, then flirted with Billy and cried about how all men were evil. He eventually told Jay he was a loser and never to come back. It was not as satisfying as I had imagined.

I lost my job. I came to work completely hammered, wearing jeans, then walked around the back in circles singing and laughing hysterically. They thought I had actually lost my mind. I'm not really confident enough to say that I didn't.

Unfortunately, I had gotten this job out of necessity. It was the only way we were going to pay for our apartment, since my roommates all lost their jobs the same month. I was in hell. I had to keep drinking, or I would have slit my wrists and jumped off the rooftop.

I was in love with Jay. It took a bottle of vodka a day before that haunting fact hit me. But when it did, it hit me like a vengeful ex girlfriend. I had to do it. I had to do the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. I moved back to Pahrump.